Derek Jeter is mad as hell, and he isn’t going to take it anymore.
“I’ve had enough”, Jeter said to reporters Friday after leading the Yankees to a thrilling 7-0 loss over Oakland. “My leadership and talent have never been respected in this town, and things are even worse this year.”
Jeter, who contends too few fans are cheering for him as the soul propelling the Yankees’ dominant 37-40 season, went on to defend himself against his many critics. “Sure,” the self-proclaimed greatest of all time argued, “I’m only batting .335, but who really cares about batting average? It’s home runs the fans want to see, and that’s one area where I’ve always delivered. I’ve got 5 this year already, more than those punks Gehrig, Ruth, and Mantle combined. What have those guys done for the club in the last 30 years? Nothing. Meanwhile, I’m out here busting my hump everyday, and doing it literally for peanuts.
The infielder is currently working under an innovative contract negotiated by his agent, Scott Boras, that provides the slugger with all the sunflower seeds he can chew, all the boiled peanuts he can eat, and all the B-list movie stars he can date, along with a generous stipend. “It’s a good deal, sure,” said Boras, “absolutely pioneering. I predict that within ten years, all professional athletes will have similar contracts.”
Retired Yankees star Ron Guidry, interviewed while he wore a "Ron's Deli" sandwich board on the corner of River Avenue and 161st, had this to say: “Jeter’s an overpaid bum. The only part of that team that’s actually living up to its contracts is the pitching staff.”
“The problem,” the star shortstop responded, “is that our fans have gotten used to mediocrity. The Yankees have been so bad for so long, and management has always been so cheap, that when Steinbrenner finally opens up the checkbook and we’re absolutely dominating the AL East, you guys don’t even look up and realize it. I’m starting to wonder if New York can ever support a baseball team.”
Jonathan Swift, a fan passing by as reporters exited the Yankees clubhouse, shouted “Go Dodgers!” in the general direction of the Polo Grounds.