13 August 2007

NFL Preview Pt. 1: The Cynic's Take

Certain things are inevitable. "The Circle of Life" - which is Disney-code for "dying horribly". Taxes, which are bureaucratese for "Governmental incompetence". And the NFL, which is network-television-speak for "hooray, finally, something that people will watch!"

That's right: it's NFL time again. The preseason is already underway, the regular season is just a few short weeks in the future. All across North America, overweight former, wannabe, and never-were jocks are returning to their overstuffed recliners and overindulging in beer, nachos, and overcooked brats.

So, what should the hapless fools - I mean ardent fans - who buy into the corporate lies - I mean team spirit - be on the lookout for, as they peer at their 42-inch flatscreen HD-LCD televisions that cost enough to feed a Third World village for several weeks?

Here's one thing: overweight guys. NFL players are fatter than ever. According to the always-accurate Fox News (and the somewhat less reliable JAMA), more than 1/2 of NFL players have BMI's that qualify them as obese, and more than 1/2 of those are morbidly obese; the idea, apparently, has been to make the players harder to push backwards from the point of attack. The trend towards rocklike immovability has, of course, been echoed in the trends towards rocklike immovability in the league's fans, who are also getting fatter in obvious attempts to imitate their idols.

Here's something else to keep an eye on: idiocy. No, not this - this. NFL players are being arrested for dogfighting, for shootouts in strip clubs - it's almost like they're not very smart or something... hmm... I wonder how that could have happened?

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