07 March 2008

2008 NFL Draft All-Name Team: Offense

As the days, weeks, months tick slowly by, as we wait for that glorious morning when Roger Goodell will take the stage at Radio City Music Hall and answer the most important questions facing the western world, matters of lesser significance present themselves to us, gleaming in the cloud-filtered sunlight of each new day. Whether we're gleaming or the matters are gleaming, I'm not sure - but something or someone is gleaming, and that's a cool word.

What is so cool about the word "that," you ask? Possibly nothing, except that it segues us so wrenchingly to the matter at hand. I'm not using nicknames in the forming of this list - the players' names are listed just as they appear on their official profiles, to avoid spoiling the exclusivity of this so-well-compiled list by imposters such as Run DMC and Matty Ice.

QB: T.C. Ostrander, Stanford
Rarely does one find a football player whose name so completely matches the stereotypical aesthetic of his university.
RB: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Ole Miss
Two first names? Okay. Two last names? Okay. Two first names and two last names, of which the last of the firsts and the first of the lasts are basically identical to a defensive lineman already in the league? Wow.
FB: Jehuu Caulcrick, Mich St.
Jehuu? Seriously?
WR: Lance Leggett, Miami (FL)
Yes, we could have gone with FSU's DeCody Fagg. But we here at 90% Mental like to think that we're a couple of steps above fart jokes and really, really obvious putdowns.
TE: Joe Jon Finley, Oklahoma
Rarely does one find a football player whose name so completely matches the stereotypical aesthetic of his university.
OT: Breno Giacomini, Louisville
Gotta love a 300-lb guy who sounds like he'd be at home either on "The Sopranos" or on "Grease."
OG: Charles Manu, Nevada
My first thought: Mork and Mindy! My second thought: Numa Numa! My third thought: I just hope he has better hair than the estimable Mr. Ginobili (who, by the way, has carried one of my fantasy basketball teams to second place).
C: Kory Lichtensteiger, Bowling Green
That's almost as long as Saltalamacchia. What? It's exactly as long as Saltalamacchia? We can only hope that similar uniform-related hilarity ensues.
Honorable Mention: RB Harvey "Scooter McDougle Jr., Toledo
Mr. McDougle would have pushed Mr. Green-Ellis for the RB position were he considered any sort of legitimate prospect for the draft - but, somehow, most NFL teams don't look highly upon 5'8", 190-lb RBs with 4.6 speed who have been accused of point shaving. Still a great name, though.

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